7 Tips for Parenting, Stepparenting, and Discipline in Stepfamilies
- Research tells us that, for many children, becoming a stepfamily is harder and takes more time, than divorce.
- Stepfamilies are generally easier for children eight and under, and for boys.
- They are harder for girls (including, in my experience, for adult daughters of older recoupling dads). They are especially hard for young teen girls.
- Stepparents everywhere seem to want more limits and boundaries with their stepchildren.
- Parents everywhere seem to want more loving and understanding for their children.
- Hands down, “authoriTATIVE parenting” is best for children on every measure imaginable, including bringing children through difficult transitions like divorce and becoming a stepfamily.
- Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm:
- Loving: Authoritative parents are responsive, warm, and empathic.
- Firm: Authoritative parents calmly set moderately firm limits and they make developmentally appropriate demands for maturity.
- Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm:
- Until and unless stepparents have forged a caring, trusting relationship with kids, parents need to retain the disciplinary role.
- My guideline for stepparents is, “connection before correction.”
- This very often takes years, not months!
- Once stepparents have forged a caring relationship, they can move slowly into an authoritaTATIVE (loving and moderately firm) disciplinary role.
- There are many healthy, thriving stepfamilies where stepparents do not have a disciplinary role.
- AuthoriTARIAN parenting by stepparents is almost always toxic.
- Authoritarian parenting is not loving or warm. It is firm and hard.
- Authoritarian parenting often uses negative labels (“You’re lazy.” “You’re a slob.”), rather than positive requests (“I’d love it if you’d pick up your toys.”)
- Meanwhile, successful stepcouples do work as a team.
- Often stepparents can help parents to firm up a bit.
- Parents can help stepparents to understand their children.
- Stepparents have input.
- Parents have final say about their own children.
- Successful stepcouples face the same challenges that struggling stepcouples do.
- Successful stepcouples communicate frequently and constructively.
- They discuss their parenting differences with kindness and caring.
- Struggling stepcouples criticize and/or avoid.